Through The Portal
My route towards awakening was founded in the search for answers. I have always been interested in reading around any subject which grabs my attention. Tackling it from many angles and absorbing myself in as many facets as I can until the obsession moves along and so it has been during my awakening. Only this time it was beyond the physical realm and much of what I was attempting to grasp were shapeless concepts and beliefs systems that were very far removed from anything I had come into contact with previously.
What it felt like, was a decent down the rabbit hole. Each crawled inch pushed my mind further into a realm that was unknown. I was trying to cement good mantras and ways of being that I perceived were the way forward. As I inched further into the uncharted, my mind was in turmoil and I had extremely dark times with the adjustments. As my slow creeping continued I would get little moments, golden breadcrumbs, something that would, just, encourage me to keep going.
Then it got worse
I used to hear my wife say “You’re the one who is supposed to be all ‘enlightened’!” I would have had to agree with her, only in my head of course but at these times I was far from being in any sort of magnanimous mood. I was trying to apply my new basic understanding but it didn’t seem to be sticking in the real world, if anything, my issues were getting much worse.
All of this climaxed in grand fashion with me having a complete explosive meltdown. I raged for about five minutes, slamming doors and generally seething. I screamed out load in sheer anger.
My youngest, who was in another room, seemed to think it was great sport.
Teachers Will Present Themselves
Afterwards, I felt strangely calm and surprisingly not at all guilty. Although I did apologise, very much, to my family for the distress. That night I went to bed, alone, and plugged myself into an audiobook.
I had been listening to Eckhart Tolle’s: A New Earth. This tormented me all the more as the man had spoken so much sense the day before and that very morning. As I lay in the darkness within 5 minutes Eckhart’s soothing voice introduced “Chapter 5 – The Pain Body”.
Over the next two hours Eckhart Tolle explained to me exactly what had happened. More incredible is that, had I not have had this major melt-down, the message would not have been so clear. I was going to listen to that audiobook that night, I was completely invested in it at the time. I had paused it earlier, unknowingly giving myself just the right amount of time to relax and listen. To get THE MESSAGE loud and clear.
During the rage I remember I was aware but unconcerned, there was no voice that might have usually said “breath”. I was observing this.
I had asked for something and I got it, I got a great big neon sign saying LOOK!
I do not believe that you ever arrive at destination ‘Awareness’. That journey never ends. Nevertheless, in that moment I had crossed over a threshold, or a big hurdle, removed some density for sure. All of the previous steps leading up to that instant had brought me up against a great wall that I was being pressed against.
When suddenly it gave way, that was when I ‘got it’.
I saw for the first time that there was this thing called ‘ME’ and there was the real me ‘I’, since that day I am now ‘I’. I slip back into Me all the time, but I can feel it, I recognise it as not ‘I’.
I am still heading down the rabbit hole only now, instead of an unsure poke about in the dark gets closer to a free-fall. You just let go and spread out your arms, it is bliss, the universe will catch you.
If someone asked me if “One day could a man learn to fly?” I could now honestly say, “Maybe, just maybe.